Nighttime Comics Take Aim At Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme

Television's leading entertainers used their evening criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's newly launched visa program, dubbed the "golden visa," describing it as a obvious cash-for-residency scheme for the affluent.

Colbert's Pointed Spin

Kicking off his program, Stephen Colbert presented a satirical Christmas jingle about the president. "He is making a list, checking it twice, and then handing that list to the officials at ICE," he intoned. "Donald Trump ... destroys everything he handles."

The subject was the controversial initiative that enables overseas individuals to purchase U.S. legal status for the price of a million dollars, with a "top-tier" version for five million. A government page guarantees processing "faster than ever."

"A brief message here to rich applicants: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert joked.

He explained that the card is also designed to "squeeze cash" from firms wanting to hire foreign workers, with significant payments. "That is a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you also get free accommodation at a hotel of your selection – provided that it's the that one hotel," he said.

"The best screening the U.S. government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to verify these applicants absolutely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow wealthy international individuals to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your choosing."

"It might be time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the form, observing it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Issues

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging poll numbers amid economic anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were angry about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a bid to address cost of living, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a selection of food items, where he reacted oddly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps instead of complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy similar to the one FIFA did," he joked.