Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
